Ayahuasca

“I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe." I repeat the mantra like a life raft, the tether to the knowing that I have ingested ayahuasca and am experiencing a visionary state of consciousness. A beautiful world, a realm beyond anything I have seen in my waking life.

I press my forehead into the earth, arms laid out in front of me, cradled by the welcoming cushion of grass beneath my body. I take a deep inhale, breathing in the scent of dirt, the crown of my head bathed in the light of the full moon above. The fire crackles and sparks before me, fingertips grazing the warm rocks, the heat is just close enough to remind me. I exhale, releasing my belly into the space between my thighs. Full prostration.

Inhale.

I lift my gaze for a moment, taking in the view around me. Bodies, drenched in white linen and hemp, barely moving, breathing quietly, gazing into the fire or inside themselves. The stillness is palpable.

Exhale.

My eyes close, satisfied, and my head drops back towards the earth - heavy.  My feet and hands are filled with vibration. I feel the sensation move up my legs and breathe into it [Inhale] a bit deeper.

I am not afraid, this time. Exhale.

The visions fill my field. Green, all I can see is green. So many shades, with lines of black and white unfolding into a matrix that pours out the sides of of my eyes and envelops my body in a cocoon, a pod.

"You are Ok", I tell myself. "Breathe deeper. Allow it in a little bit more. This won't last forever. Welcome the medicine. Go deeper into the vision."

The vibration becomes stronger, a wave of the medicine coursing through my body, the breath guiding me deeper, and deeper into....myself. Then, the self beyond me.

"I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe."

I repeat the mantra like a life raft, the tether to the knowing that I have ingested ayahuasca and am experiencing a visionary state of consciousness. A beautiful world, a realm beyond anything I have seen in my waking life. Inhale. Exhale.

"It is safe to go deeper. It is safe to see these visions. This is beautiful... and temporary. Enjoy it."

Inhale.

For what feels like the first time I allow myself to sink all the way in, my nervous system recalibrating to a way of seeing and being that is beyond the explicable. It is so beautiful. I realize that I have never felt fully safe to be all the way here, in this body. Anxiety, nervousness, panic, fear have always...blocked the way. These feelings have filled the pathways between my limbs and thoughts, forcing me out of my natural state of calm, creative liberation.

Exhale.

A smile creeps across my lips - can I find joy here? In the midst of this intensity, of this overwhelming sensation, can I feel the beauty? Can I laugh at the cosmic joke at how intense this whole human experience is?

The tempo of the music picks up inside the open-air maloka. The sound of the waves lapping the shore a short distance away calls me back to the external world. With visions still emerging from my thirdeye, I press my hands into the ground and lift my body up.

Inhale.

The soles of my bare feet skip across the slate stepping stones as I re-enter the altar of Her and begin to dance. I shake my hair free of my pony tail, drop my sweater to the floor, and allow my body to move to the music, "Aya aya aya ah-ayahuasca. Aya aya aya ah-ayahuasca". I lift my eyes towards the circular skylight, open my mouth and the words pour out, reverberating through my entire being. "Aya aya aya ah- ayahuasca. Aya aya aya ah-ayahuasca".