Vulnerability

I have a vulnerable share this morning.

Since I was an adolescent, it has been really challenging for me to "control" my emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, excitement.... it didn't really matter what the emotion was, if it was coming through me it was going to be HUGE. 

I didn't have any resources, outlets, or tools to cope with these big feelings - so I often turned to hostility, self-isolation or running away. 

As I grew into an adult, this pattern of creating chaos with my emotional state followed me around everywhere I went.

My intimate relationships were littered with dramatic, violent fights, that would often end when I would pick up the closest breakable object and smash it on the floor.

My work life was a series of short, intense bursts at jobs that I couldn't seem to sustain for much more than a year.

It was as if the only setting I had was "100" and I didn't know how to slow it down and find balance. Even my life long practice of meditation and yoga couldn't seem to break through this emotional volatility. 

Eventually, I found myself frustrated, burnt out, and constantly spiraling, unable to make the creative progress that I was craving in my life. 

When I finally hit a breaking point I was completely lost in my emotional world. Depression and anxiety ruled my daily reality and I couldn't perform simple tasks at work. I remember spending months crying in my room, unclear of where to go next. I was totally lost.

Finally, I was connected with a mentor who taught me that I didn't need to "control" these big emotions...I just needed to be with them. 

I learned how to welcome my feelings, how to allow the sensations that came with them, and relax into the experience without needing to act while triggered. 

Eventually, I even learned how to channel them into my art, music and my work, so that my life began to feel fueled by these energies, rather than drained by them. 

Now, I realize that these big emotions were the result of a few specific things:
1. I am a naturally highly emotional & creative being.
2. I was not taught how to process emotions or resource myself as a child.
3. I was holding onto trauma that locked my nervous system into fight & flight. 

It has taken years of unlearning survival behaviors and patterns to be able to find peace in my life. I have used all of the tools available to me: yoga, meditation, therapy, plant medicine, sound healing, nature, community, sexuality, art, ancestral healing, dream work, body work, and more...

...and I still need to do all of these in cycles in order to maintain balance while my nervous system re-calibrates.

This is deep soul work and it takes patience & time. 

Whew, what a journey. I am so grateful to be sitting here now feeling grounded, stable & at peace in my life. 

Luckily for you, this work is integrated into my life purpose.

All of the tools that I gathered along my own healing journey are now aspects of what I offer through my Integration sessions, Guide Training, gatherings, and *upcoming* retreats. 

If any of this resonates then I seriously want to work with you. I want to support you to find emotional resilience & the language of your soul.

These big emotions are here to tell us something and I am here to listen.