My Story

Moments into arriving at that momentous transformation known as “adolescence”, I was categorized as a “rebellious” teenager. Beginning at about age 12 or 13, my memory is littered with snippets of photographs of catching early morning cross-state buses while running away from home, run-ins with police officers, skipping school with older friends, smoking weed in the woods surrounding the campus grounds -- all punctuated by visions of afternoons spent in courtrooms as cold-faced judges determined my fate. Around this time, I taught myself how to meditate and looking back through a therapeutic lens perhaps this self-taught practice was a technique for conscious dissociation from a reality that felt more like a prison than a home. I would turn on ambient classic rock, like Emerson, Lake & Palmer, light incense, and allow my mind to drift away as I laid on the floor of my childhood bedroom. I remember meeting probation officers in my high school hallways and being escorted to busy bathrooms for regular drug tests. That is, if I was still present at school, and before I dropped out at 16. I learned quickly that drugs like Psilocybin and LSD could not show up in the tests, so, I stayed away from weed and cocaine and spent my teenage years exploring the psychedelic realms instead.

The stay-at-home orders and looming threats of vaccination we are now living in as Coronavirus ravages through 2020 are an echo of my early experiences with court-ordered house arrest, 6:00pm curfews, and attempts at forced medication. I distinctly remember the day I was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). My mother had taken me to a psychiatrist on recommendation from the court. I sat down in a small, yellow room with my mother and the therapist. Her desk was squarely faced towards the door, and there was barely enough room for the three of us to sit comfortably in her office. The woman asked me some standard questions that she read off a piece of paper placed in front of her. I answered as vaguely as I could, but my rebellious spirit was apparent likely from the moment I walked in the door. We spent all of about 10 minutes talking. She quickly diagnosed me with ODD and prescribed a medication. I will never forget looking at this plain woman, in her sterile office, as she reduced my enormous spirit to a diagnosis and prescription. My insides were enflamed and I was engulfed in a then all too common experience of pure rage. I looked at the therapist straight in the eyes and said, “Fuck you, I will not take your medication”. Then, I proceeded to run out of the room - with my mother screaming and chasing behind me.

I’m not sure what else would be expected from someone who is being diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, as one of the hallmark symptoms of the condition is quoted in the DSM-5 as, “Often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or with rules” (American Psychological Association, 2017). However, I attribute my early experiments in psychedelic medicines and meditation with assisting me in developing the cognitive ability to realize that whatever drug this woman was prescribing me was not what I needed. I could sense that it was intended to dull me down, numb me out, and would certainly not create the beautiful, exciting visions that I saw when I self-medicated with a psychedelic. I could sense that she was checking off a box, and I never felt like someone that could be placed inside one.

I did not return to therapy until I was 31 years old, when a lifetime of running away had finally caught up to my nervous system. In between, I spent years seeking alternative healing through yoga, meditation, breath work, Ayurveda, nature connection, organic food, massage, acupuncture, naturopathy, dance, ceremony, and of course - plant medicines. Too many poorly facilitated and hardly integrated Ayahuasca sessions had left me confused, my ego rather overblown, and my tether to reality beginning to wear thin. By the time I arrived at that first therapy session at 31, I had a massive tool box, but no idea how to use these tools to heal myself. All of those years - and thousands of dollars - spent on alternative healing, and I found myself depressed, anxious, broke, and completely lost in my own life.

After two years of individual and group sessions with a therapist who is well-versed in Hakkomi, mindfulness meditation, and the realm of psychedelic medicines, I had not only found a sense of emotional stability for the first time -- but I had found my calling in life. Somewhere along the journey people began coming to me for ThetaHealing sessions, and things slowly started to make sense. All of those tools were not just for my healing, but were gifts to share with others. I enrolled in a Masters program to receive a degree as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, and set my sight squarely on the goal of becoming a trained and licensed psychedelic-therapist, with 20 years of personal experience already under my belt.

I am in the midst of this journey now....studying in my courses, taking any trainings I can find (and afford), working with a mentor, seeing clients, listening to podcasts, reading books, teaching classes, continuing my own self-work, and alchemizing my healing into an authentic offering for others. Most importantly, I am staying open to what life and spirit has in store for me as I fully accept and surrender to my path as a healer. This week I turn 34 - I made it through my "Jesus year" in a pandemic - and I reveled in every moment of difficult spiritual transformation along the way. Sharing this story is my birthday gift to myself. A reminder of how far I have come, how much work I have done, and how good it feels to be rooted in my purpose. I tell this story to share my experience of a concept that I root my work in -- that our darkness is our offering. Our own journey of healing ignites in us the brightest, most brilliant light, and our job is simply to learn how to best share that light in this lifetime. That, my loves, is the real medicine.

Someday, I'll write a book, or create a training and make one of those flashy online courses. But, for now, I'll keep walking. I'll keep studying. I'll keep learning. I'll keep unwinding my own programming as I dance, and drum, and meditate with you. There is still so far to go before I can legally share plant medicine with you in this lifetime, but I trust that we will make it. I trust the resilience of consciousness and the human spirit's desire to continue to evolve, heal, and create. I trust the work of all the shamans, scholars, scientists, writers, healers, and psychedelic explorers that have laid the groundwork for us to get to the point where I can even publicly share this story. I trust that we have done this before, and we will do it again, and again, and again.

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I walk with gratitude for each teacher I have met along this path - whether human, plant, animal, or spirit. I give thanks to my partner Anthony for supporting and uplifting me through all of this transformation, and my mentor Mihai for inspiring me to take the next step in my education. You have both changed my life forever. Thank you for seeing me. Finally, I thank my sisters Christine & Lindsey for holding more space for my massive emotions than I could imagine is possible. It is because of all of you, that I can help others heal.