Shadow

It has taken years of inner-study to begin to recognize myself as a shadow worker.

When my spiritual journey began to ripen, just before I was introduced to master plants at age 26, I remember saying to myself, "I just don't have any darkness to work through in this lifetime".

I now know this to be a truly dangerous thought.

This was just before the slender fingers of Innana grabbed me by the throat, and plunged me into 6 years of churning through the underworld. I was forced to relive my past lives, over and over, and witness the darkness emerge from the depths of my being. Trauma surfaced from places long forgotten. I was held hostage in my body as anger, sadness, grief, depression, betrayal, rage and loss of love became an integrated part of my human experience.

I was given no choice, but to sit with it. All I had known was taken away - ripped from my fingers through dramatic unfoldings.

At one point, it felt as though every piece of light had been sucked from my being, and I was a mere shadow of the bright young woman everyone remembered. I recall looking in the mirror and seeing how the darkness had settled around my eyes and dulled my skin. I felt as though I was dying. And in some ways, I was. I allowed the tears to come, and come they did. Week after week, I drowned in a sea of sorrow at my altar. Heartbreak tore through my body and a weight settled on my chest. For many months, I cried, and did the hard work of integrating my shadow.

Now, I can stand with one foot on either side, straddling the darkness and the light. I can no longer deny the darkness I carry within, but I have learned how to work with it to bring courage and grounded energy into my life.

The time we spend in our shadow is truly our healing, and will guide us towards our true purpose in this life. When we can sit quietly in the dark, we are gifted with messages and visions that show us who we truly are, and where we are going.